Things of the Day

Aug. 15th, 2017 11:54 pm
iosonochesono: (Avatar TLA: Toph/Mysterious Smile)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Nick has announced he is stressed out by bookkeeping and doesn't want to do it while he's in school. The bookkeeper has tanked.

So instead of waiting for them to go through another manager or two in the Starbucks department, I'm asking to be made manager over there (because then I can bookkeep.)

... Okay then. I guess I'll go ahead and work on getting a new car. And if this happens, I will be kicking my dad and brother out of the apartment within the next three months.




Jordan came by today to buy his Stella Artois (yes, that's right! He's stopped sending co-workers!). Whenever I see him I feel like the rough equivalent of what a computer would probably feel (if it could) trying to run 800GB with only 400GB of hard-drive.

Like, let's break my brain down in all the directions it spins whenever Jordan comes around:

1. Anger, because he was King of Bailing.

2. Sad, because he's not intentionally King of Bailing, it's just a symptom of being a very insignificant friend. So there's sadness about unrequited sexual/romantic feelings but then also about unrequited regular 'ole platonic, friendly feelings.

3. SEXUAL FEELINGS.

4. REVULSION OF SEXUAL FEELINGS (I have a sexual dysfunction, so sexual feelings also come with revulsion. FUN. Like, to clarify: Even if Jordan tomorrow walked up to me and wanted to actually do anything sexual, I don't know what I'd do other than spontaneously combust from the intense simultaneous arousal/revulsion. I think I would literally die. I honestly think I would explode from the contradictory feelings. I've made enough progress that I have lost enough anxiety to try dating again. But there's still a lot of revulsion to work through.)

5. INTENSE HAPPINESS. Because Jordan is my favorite person to talk to and I feel very safe around him. Which is NOT supported by evidence, but again: Starbucks history.

6. INTENSE EMBARRASSMENT: See 1-5.

7. CUDDLE ENVY. (Which I literally feel about just about anyone I have any emotional attachment to at all right now, to be fair, but like, HOLY SHIT, I just want to curl next to someone and sleep like a cat so bad.)

8. Sadness about us never doing anything we ever planned and general irritation that he kept bailing on things but he still can come in and grab beer every week.

9. Loneliness. Because of said bailing and wishing I had people in general who were part of a tight-knit group where we did adventurous/outdoor stuff together. Jessica and my other friends are great, but they'll never SCUBA or sky-dive.

I literally felt sick a short while after interacting with him. This list isn't in any particular order, either. My point is my mind is in so many places.

Ugh. Well. He's moving back to England, anyway.

DECISIONS

Aug. 15th, 2017 02:59 pm
iosonochesono: (Bolt: Beggar)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
If I buy a car and then decide to leave the country next year, what the fuck will I do?

Changed my mind. Decided to focus on TEFL/PMP/CNA/Nursing Prerequisites. Chill on Khan Academy a lot this year, get my UK passport.

If I'm going abroad next year I won't need a car. If I'm not, I can get a car then.

As a bonus, if I'm making 17+/hour at both jobs, I'll have a lot of money to put down on a car next year.

Today

Aug. 15th, 2017 12:20 am
iosonochesono: Rachel Maddow with glasses. (Political: Rachel Maddow Blue and Glasse)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I have a lot of short shifts at Ralphs this week. Thank God. I'm so tired. Plus I'm going to be looking at cars. I'm going to print the detailed information from the CostCo Connect. For some reason the Ontario location sells it much cheaper than Irvine. I keep being conflicted about buying a car right now and trying to wait. First, because I like the Outback slightly more than the Crosstrek (this will sound petty, but it mostly comes down to the gear shifts. The Crosstrek tries to mimic the look of a stick shift and I think it looks ugly. The Outback doesn't.)

If Linda asks me to take over the Starbucks department - technically a demotion from cashier, but I'd get paid more and finally be made full-time*, then I feel like I should take it** and go ahead and get the Outback.

Otherwise, stick with the Crosstrek.

* Cashiers get paid more in the long run, but it takes five years to max out. If I'm 'demoted' to GM manager, I get topped-out GM pay at $16-17/hour. So I'm considered higher-tier than a Starbucks manager right now, but I only make $11/hour.

** I'm not a full-time cashier. The plan was to train me for Sales Manager, at which point I'd be full-time. But if I were Starbucks Manager, I'd be made full-time, and given $16-17/hour. If I can still be moved back to cashier long-term, I would not lose my pay or full-time status.

Side Note: It would also be easier to do Safety Coaching, since I'd have my own email and my EUID would be given higher-level authorization. It would also be much easier to do some classes because I'd write my own schedule. Life would suck, but the payoff would have more potential.




This sounds so stupid, but I really just want a friend I could spoon with right now. Well, not right now. I mean when I'm trying to sleep during the day. I've started getting more physically affectionate with people (e.g. Head on shoulder) because the urge to cuddle is so bad.

I'm not sure it would work out as well as I imagine it in my head. Usually it's harder to sleep when spooning. I actually prefer to sleep alone. One problem I have with the idea of dating or getting married is the idea of having to share a bed. But there is this really overwhelming urge lately. I don't think it's sexual. I think it's just stress.

None of my friends are snugglers anymore than I normally I am, though. I can't even imagine how I'd phrase that text message: "Hey, wanna watch some Hulu while I sleep curled up with you like a cat? Or hey. Do you just want to hang out and take a nap?"

If I write that to someone asking if I want to hang out they're going to think I'm joking and the sad part is I only wish I were joking.

An Update of Sorts

Aug. 13th, 2017 11:57 pm
iosonochesono: Rachel Maddow being her quirky self. (Political: Rachel Maddow Funny)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I'm seriously thinking about getting (as in, starting to scout around for prices) a Subaru. I was debating between a Crosstrek and an Outback. But the only reason I'd need an Outback is if I ever had kids and they were ten and older. So. Crosstrek, and then if I ever have kids in the future I can look at getting a new car when they're older.

The only thing that has me on the fence about it are thoughts like, "What if I decide to move out of the country in the next few years?" But the reality is the chances of that are slim. Also, if I start dating, it's going to be nicer to have a car that can take me out on the types of dates I actually want to go on (outdoor/adventure activities.) If I decided to move and had a career that allowed me to, I could transport or sell the car. Subarus have great resell value.

Of course, people might question my mental stability since I want to get the Sunset Orange one. But that's neither here nor there. Plus, I feel like if I'm ever being sucked into a mudslide I'll appreciate that visibility.

I'm not actually sure whether I'd get approved for a car loan right now. My credit rating's good, but not excellent, plus I need to pay down some revolving debt. But I also heavily suspect I'll end up being made Starbucks manager, because they've already burned through two.

Having control over my schedule would be pretty powerful, even if literally everything else about it would suck. I want to do the ROP courses for Medical Assistant and Nursing Essentials. It's too late to change my availability for this round. But if I was making 17.75/hour at one job and 17/hour at the other, I'd be making more than enough to pay all my stuff down, save money, etc.

I'm trying to practice my Italian at work, but I'm too worried about waking up clients. I thought it would help with the medical language course, too, alas. I'd have to to to the tech room. I prefer being around where the clients are lest anything occur.

Things

Aug. 12th, 2017 11:47 pm
iosonochesono: Rachel Maddow with glasses. (Political: Rachel Maddow Blue and Glasse)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Jessica and I got together today to go to the 'Watermelon Festival' at Tanaka Farms (second time this week! We've been busy. Earlier this week it was to practice for an interview.)

Read more... )

I'm thinking getting a CRUNCH gym membership (where Wendy works out) so we can work out together. It's actually got a $10/month option. I'd keep my 24 hour membership, I think, but that's very tempting.

I'm also thinking about biting the bullet and getting a new car. If Ralphs promotes me to Starbucks Dept. Manager (Tyler is leaving and I'm honestly not sure how else they'd fill it since it's so hard to get those full) I'm definitely getting a new car to ease my pain.

Today

Aug. 12th, 2017 12:47 am
iosonochesono: Little Octopus Creature Hug. (Avatar TLA: Aang Sewer Friends)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Today went pretty well. I showed a funny video to a lot of people (my battery was almost dead, so I didn't show everyone.)

Mom called and I spoke with my grandparents, Siobhan, and Alastair. Since Father Dan has known me since I was born and has been a friend of the family since before I was born, we've decided we'll talk to him about getting my British and Irish passport. Guess in the meantime I'll work on PMP and nurse prerequisite coursework. That way in the future if I want to move over there, I don't have to be broke.

I showed the girls from Luna Grill the video as well (like I said, I love them - they're great people - I just never learn their names because they order in a big group.) So (predictably, to be honest) minutes after talking to them, Jordan texts me continuing on from the last conversation we had.

I don't like that. He can only be bothered to talk to me when he's at work. So, I didn't bother responding. I was busy talking to my family, anyway. Maybe I'll respond during a slow period at work, like on a break. I have to decide what boundaries there are for him and then set them. But maybe that's actually the ideal situation - a sort of pen-pal scenario.




Jessica wouldn't like the video, but tomorrow we're going to a watermelon festival. Mostly to find yellow watermelon.




I rang up a celebrity today but I had no idea til some other customers started asking to take selfies with her. Some character from The Office.

Things

Aug. 10th, 2017 12:24 am
iosonochesono: (Hebrew: Elephants Don't Dance Ballet)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Work went okay. Annie doesn't seem to hate me as much as she used to. We're not friendly, but she doesn't pretend I exist except to yell at me and tell me what I'm doing wrong.




I'm struggling between being angry and snarky and sarcastic toward Jordan and wanting to just let it all go.

It's really hard because I just want people to stop trying to feed me bullshit. Not just Jordan. Jordan just hurts my feelings the most, because the bailing was so frequent. But it's also been an issue with Amanda and Jenny and Tori.

I set his number at 'Do Not Disturb' so that when he messages me I don't get notifications. It's a sort of compromise between blocking him and not blocking him - to just not know he's texted until I physically go and check my text messages anyway.

The main other thing I need to do is start setting up more meetings with Patrick, Nick, Wendy (I have a pretty good and active schedule with Jessica right now.) Hang out with the people who actually want to hang out.

I did delete a lot of people from my FaceBook. I'm really trying to peel it back to people I actually hang out with regularly, are family, or went to school with me. (People can follow me, if they want, because I've had people ask.)

It's just I wish people would be honest about not wanting to hang out instead of bailing. And Jordan is sort of the king at bailing. At least Amanda backs out of plans before they're made.




I brought my Italian book to study tonight.

Plans

Aug. 9th, 2017 12:05 am
iosonochesono: (Cats: Jack Yawn)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Today I went out with Jessica to the Town Center to do a mock interview with her for a job interview she has tomorrow. I think ultimately (like me) Jessica will probably have to learn to 'play the game' more for a professional environment. (Heels, dressier clothes, make up, hair styling.)

For me that's not so important right now because I'm working the night shift, but I know it will be a thing.

We're going to a melon farm on Saturday. I'm really excited. I'm going to try this watermelon that's yellow on the inside!




Jordan and I are on speaking terms again and I'm not sure how to feel about that. Happy because we have entertaining conversations. Sad because there are unrequited feelings there. Sadder because I know I can't get involved with him emotionally again because of his proclivity for bailing. I have to remember that I'm not one of his important friendships. And from there I have to remember that hanging out with him is a Bad Idea.

Not that it's likely to be an issue. He bailed so much last year I have no intention of inviting him anywhere this year, and that same proclivity for bailing means he's not going to think of starting to invite me out.

Still, when he talked about wanting to move back to England but not wanting to lose his green card I told him he should marry one of his friends or have an anchor baby. I can keep it light, heh. But at least he probably won't be acting all weird about Ralphs anymore. And I guess the codependency stuff is right: If I had just ignored everything being awkward a bit longer, he'd have moved back to the UK and I'd have been none the wiser. I'm torn between hating the idea of him leaving and being really glad he'll be gone. But since he bails all the time, in reality it'll just be a lot better when he's gone. Him not being around won't be related to bailing anymore. He'll just not be physically around.

I can't wait, lol.




The Subaru is on my mind.

Honest Question

Aug. 7th, 2017 02:32 am
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
What is the driving factor behind men growing out douchestaches lately?

Like. The thick caterpillar ones right above the lip that scream I AM A COMPLETE D-BAG?

I'm not into facial hair. I can compromise on that mostly. The Douchestache, however, falls outside of 'mostly.'

Like. Do men know it makes them look like a D-bag?

Do men think looking like a D-bag is in?

These are the questions I ponder when I see the douchestache, for what it's worth. I mean, it can't be to attract women, right? Because literally the last thing I would ever think is "That douchestache makes you sexually attractive."

Are there women out there that actually think the douchestache is attractive? Because all I think is that the man with a douchestache looks like a meninist who couldn't keep track of his fedora.

If he's not also wearing a fedora.

On Dating Websites

Aug. 6th, 2017 01:32 pm
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I try very hard to withhold judgment when I see personal ads written in poorly spelled Spanish, because we don't teach Spanish in schools here alongside English. Obviously, if I'd had to learn to write English based on how it sounded, "I wud probable tipe sumtin like dis and be nun duh wizr."

It's not any bilingual person's fault they did not learn how to write in Spanish, per se. Our schools offer Spanish classes, but it's not the same as being taught your whole life in school. (Plus, if you are already bilingual, what's your incentive for wasting your elective in school on Spanish?)

I do not expect someone to just magically know how to spell Spanish.

That said:

I feel like if I can teach myself Italian and French on DuoLingo, a man can look up words on Google Translate when trying to write a personal ad (as opposed to IMing.) I can't believe someone who writes 'me gusta aser ejercisio' is actually looking for a relationship. To me that comes off as someone putting in no effort and not really looking for friends or romantic partners (and probably looking for a one-night stand.)

Leaving Ralphs

Aug. 3rd, 2017 12:51 am
iosonochesono: (Simpsons: Hipster Lisa)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Okay. I have to decide that if I want to leave retail, I have to leave retail.

Decision made.

I'll work on making a Safety 360 program for our store that makes work easier for everyone. Then I'm getting out.

I don't think I'll go straight into getting a second job though. I think instead I will try to do the ROP courses Medical Terminology and Fundamentals of Nursing I. If I can afford it I will also get into prerequisite courses for nursing. Then next year, I'll start working on applying to programs (and move to the Anaheim area.)

I can work on getting more qualified with CBHT and RADT through my night job and maybe an on-call or weekend job with a detox center, while simultaneously working on nursing. Maybe I can also work on an MSW online.

Which, I should be able to apply to MSW programs either now, or in the near future.

Because those programs are all based on applying based on the last sixty units.

My GPA the last two-three semesters was 13 at 3.0, then 13 at 3.85, then 13 at 3.0.

Then I did the ethnohistorical archaeology course, which was 8 units at 4.0.

... So I'm really not that far off from sixty units at a 3.0 or higher.

And unlike back then, I feel a lot more motivated and driven about school and vocational skills. The more I get certified and implement systems of operation at work, the less unworthy I feel.

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